


dying memories

by peteyparkour



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Angst, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Endgame, WinterFalcon - Freeform, and he gets one, i love emotional sambucky and it shows, sam is really supportive, sambucky - Freeform, they're endgame, they're soulmates wbk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 06:17:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20559617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peteyparkour/pseuds/peteyparkour
Summary: bucky has a sudden realization that leaves him broken.thankfully, sam is there to piece what's left back together.





	dying memories

The trees sway in Bucky's peripherals, each one becoming a blurred jumble of green and brown. He's suddenly over aware of the coldness of the granite bench he's sitting on, the dampness of the grass between his toes, and the prickling and dense air surrounding him in what feels like a cyclone of winds. Bucky's mind starts spinning just as fast as the winds around him are, and after the spinning mind comes the spinning thoughts, and after that comes the realization that he's not sure where he is, and that he can't find a landmark that gives him any hints through the messy tears in his eyes. The winds and the bench chill him to the bone, and he quickly finds it harder and harder to breathe, feeling as though the air can leave his lungs but nothing can come back in. A single, calm thought makes its way gently through Bucky's mind, soon arriving at the front and seeking attention.

_Sam told you to call him when this happens,_ he tells himself, the patient voice in his head sounding more like Sam's voice than his own. But the air still won't go into Bucky's lungs, there's tears streaming down his face, and the thoughts going through his mind are deadly.

There's no way he can call Sam.

He feels himself slowly slip off the bench he's seated on, his back scraping against the unforgiving juts in the rock before he collapses completely onto the ground. The air strangles him just as much as his thoughts do, and he finds himself grasping onto the grass he's now seated on to try to get a grip on something and slow down everything around him.

_you'll be gone you're disappearing there'll be nothing left of you you'll be GONE_–

_Call Sam,_ his mind urges again. His breathing turns from hyperventilating to sobbing, the tears rushing down faster than before. 

_Call Sam. _The sentence comes out as a demand this time, no longer looking for an argument. But he can't, not like this. He can't, he won't.

As hard as he tries to keep it in, a noise finally escapes Bucky's mouth. 

"Help," he starts quietly, his sobbing racking his chest and making it difficult for the word to come out. 

"Help," he tries again, the plea coming out just a little bit stronger and louder than before, but he still finds no reply.

His shaky hands make his way to his hair, looking for the long locks he's grown used to but instead finding his newly cut short hair, and his breathing becomes even more sporadic at the unfamiliarity. He bends over with his head in his hands and lets out one last begging attempt.

_"Help!"_

The word comes out broken and brings goosebumps Sam's arms, who's inside and pulling down a glass to get something to drink in. The scream from outside makes Sam stop in his tracks and drop the glass, which explodes at his feet and sends fragments every each way. He's already running toward the door, feeling his feet become bloody from stepping on the broken glass.

But he doesn't care about himself right now. He needs to find Bucky.

The back door flies open and slams on the side of the house, and by the time it shuts Sam is already halfway across the backyard of their current safe house. He spins around quickly, trying to find Bucky, and spots a figure bent over on the ground about fifty feet away. Sam's feet carry him quickly across the damp grass, and he swings around the granite bench once he's there.

"Hey, hey, I'm here, Buck, I'm here," Sam says, dropping to his knees instantly. Bucky sobs are still shaking his body, the tears shimmering on his face and his breathing labored. 

_you're disappearing you'll be gone there will be nothing left of you you'll be gone_–

"Hey, Bucky, look at me," Sam says, gently reaching his hand out to turn Bucky's face to meet his. Bucky's reddened eyes finally look to his, even if they're still streaming with new tears.

"Talk to me, Bucky. What's going on?" Sam's voice comes out gently, just as the one in Bucky's head did. Through his erratic breathing, Bucky tries to speak up.

"I, I," he gets out, his voice barely above a whisper. He shakes his head quickly, and Sam lays a hand on his arm.

"You can talk to me, Bucky. You gotta talk to me," Sam tells him, the worry in his eyes shining as tears of his own spring up.

"Steve," Bucky says, bending over again as his sobs continue to choke out. "Once Steve's... gone, I'm... gone."

"What do you mean by that?" Sam questions softly, wanting to gently push Bucky to completely share what's going on.

"Steve knew me... before everything, back... before the Winter Soldier," Bucky manages out, and he continues with forced words. "Once he's gone... I'm gone, the... real me, that's gone."

"Bucky, no," Sam starts, and he finds that he's unable to keep himself collected. His composure breaks and he abruptly pulls Bucky into a hug, something he'd never do normally due to Bucky's dislike of sudden contact, but he can't help himself. Sam feels Bucky tense in his embrace but after a few moments he collapses into Sam's arms, his sobs shaking through the both of them. 

"I don't know," Bucky starts again, "who I am, Sam. I don't know w-who I'm supposed to be. Steve was the only one who knew me, and h-he's almost gone. I lost h-him and myself."

Sam holds Bucky in his arms for a few more seconds, feeling as his breathing slowly evens out. Sam can feel Bucky's body jerk with each intake of air, his crying slowly calming down from their hard sobs.

"Bucky, you don't need Steve to tell you who you were. You've changed from the person you were in the forties, and I don't mean by changing into the Winter Soldier. You've turned into a new version of yourself; you don't need Steve, you need yourself. Okay?" Sam says these words softly into Bucky's ear, and Bucky nods against him as he takes a deep breath.

"But that person I was, h-he's gone. Forever. Steve left, and h-he took me with him," Bucky says, his words coming out a bit easier than they did before but still needing force to get out.

"Steve left, and the person you were with him left with him. But Bucky," Sam says as he pulls out of the hug against his wishes, "I won't leave you."

"You won't?" Bucky asks, his broken voice making Sam's chest ache. Sam hopes that Bucky can see the truth and emotion in his eyes as he stares into Bucky's, which reflect back red and puffy.

"I won't."

The two of them sit awkwardly entangled with each other on the dewy grass as Bucky calms down, Sam holding onto Bucky's arms and running his hands up and down Bucky's arms. After a few minutes of this, Bucky asks a quiet question.

"What do I do now?"

The question hits Sam like a splash of cold water, and he finds himself taking a shuddering breath before answering.

"You... you keep doing what you have been. You re-become yourself. You figure out who you are. Some stuff you leave in the past, other stuff you bring with you. It's our job to figure out how to carry it."

"Our?" Though Sam thought that Bucky's question would come out to imply that he wanted to do it on his own, he noticed that the tone of voice Bucky used instead hinted at wanting help from him, a small skill he had picked up from his days working with veterans.

"Yes, our." Sam held Bucky's eye contact, wanting to make sure that he was hearing every word. "You can't carry a weight that heavy on one pair of shoulders. No one can. You need help, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's why I'm here."

"And what if you leave?" Bucky can't stop the question from escaping, but he realizes after that it needed to be asked, that the poisonous thoughts still spiraling in his head would never go away if he didn't.

"I won't. I told you that, and I don't lie." Sam looks to Bucky with a burning compassion, wanting him to understand that he's not going anywhere. He's not going to just walk out of Bucky's life. But he knows that Bucky won't settle for simply a promise, so he speaks up again. "But if for some reason I'm taken out of your life, you'll be able to stand on your own. You won't need me like you do now, because the weight of all of this will slowly become easier to hold, and soon you'll lift it all without even realizing it. You'll become stronger, but for now you need me. And I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not going anywhere," Bucky repeats quietly, and Sam gives him a small smile as his hands run down Bucky's arms again and find his hands. Sam takes Bucky's hands in his, rubbing small circles over the backs of them.

"I'm not going anywhere." Sam sits back and crosses his legs in front of him, a show of how he's not going to move.

Bucky's eyes have cleared by now, and he gives a small smile at the motion. But his eyes drift to the red tainted soles of Sam's feet, and he takes one of his hands out of Sam's hold and lightly brushes the wounds on his feet.

"You're bleeding," Bucky says simply, and Sam looks down to his feet, nodding.

"I heard you yell for help and I dropped a glass I was getting down from the cabinet. I didn't clean it up before I ran out." Sam suddenly becomes aware of how cold his feet are from the wet grass, and the trivial thought of his feet being too numb to feel the stinging from the cuts goes through his mind.

"You shouldn't of done that. You're hurt." Bucky's focus is now completely on Sam's feet, examining each cut and scrape.

"I'm fine, Buck. I wasn't going to leave you out here by yourself and yelling for help. When you ask for help, and probably even when you don't ask, I'll be there. I'll always be there."

Bucky nods, shifting his attention back to Sam. After a few moments, Bucky shuffles closer to Sam, falling into another hug. Sam wraps his arms around Bucky tightly, a bit surprised by his eagerness of contact but not arguing. After sitting silently for about a minute, Sam speaks up one last time before the two of them stay in their clumsy position as Bucky calms the rest of the way down.

"We might not have your dying memories anymore, but we have an infinite amount of new ones. And that's all we need."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! it would mean the world if you left kudos or a comment, i love getting feedback from you all! hope you enjoyed <3


End file.
